You know something? I think it must really suck to be a member of US Navy SEAL Elite Team 6, right now. Sure they have the satisfaction in their hearts of knowing they killed one of the vilest mass murderers the United States has ever known, Osama Bin Laden. However, when you take into consideration the fact their identities have to remain classified, you know that has to suck hard for those guys. Do you have any idea how much sex these boys are not going to be having because they can’t tell anyone they executed that raid? I imagine any woman from Portland, Maine to Portland Oregon would be willing to “take one for the country” for any of these men. Also, do you realize every time they walk into a bar they are still going to have to pick up the tab at the end of the night? Seriously, we all know there would be more than just sexual perks for those who were exposed as members of Team 6. I mean, can you imagine if every time you throw a baseball for the rest of your life, you’re forced to remember that time you could have thrown out the ceremonial first pitch at the World Series? Man, it has got to suck being a member of US Navy SEAL Elite Team 6. That’s why I feel so fortunate that I am able to be honest with the world in telling everyone I am a member of US Navy SEAL Elite Team 5. Am I right, ladies?
Friday, 6 May 2011
Reflections of A Blackout
Beyond the first hour of my experience, I have little to no recollection of the events which took place. Luckily, my good friend Kip Martin kept an hourly journal of my adventures so that I might be able to share with you this account of my night of most regrettable drunken debauchery.
Hour 1:
I begin to develop an attraction for anything with breasts. Coincidentally, I’ve never found John Goodman more captivating than I do during this hour.
I begin to develop an attraction for anything with breasts. Coincidentally, I’ve never found John Goodman more captivating than I do during this hour.
Hour 2:
I punch some guy in the face for having the same last name as mine. I later apologize upon realizing he is my father.
I punch some guy in the face for having the same last name as mine. I later apologize upon realizing he is my father.
Hour 3:
I give a full explanation as to why my ex-girlfriend dumped me during a conversation I am having with a cocker spaniel in the backyard.
I give a full explanation as to why my ex-girlfriend dumped me during a conversation I am having with a cocker spaniel in the backyard.
Hour 4:
I make plans to start a snow shovelling business with the cocker spaniel I’ve been having a conversation with in the backyard.
I make plans to start a snow shovelling business with the cocker spaniel I’ve been having a conversation with in the backyard.
Hour 5:
My next door neighbour – who happens to be a Presbyterian minister – visits my house to complain about the noise. An argument ensues and the topic is religion and how it relates to professional wrestling. My points are well argued and tough to dispute.
My next door neighbour – who happens to be a Presbyterian minister – visits my house to complain about the noise. An argument ensues and the topic is religion and how it relates to professional wrestling. My points are well argued and tough to dispute.
Hour 6:
I’m singing songs and playing piano, despite not knowing how to do either. No one seems to notice this fact. Oddly enough, neither do I.
I’m singing songs and playing piano, despite not knowing how to do either. No one seems to notice this fact. Oddly enough, neither do I.
Hour 7:
I am ecstatic over the realization I can urinate upon request. I chug down half a bottle of Lamb’s Navy Rum to celebrate.
I am ecstatic over the realization I can urinate upon request. I chug down half a bottle of Lamb’s Navy Rum to celebrate.
Hour 8:
I call up John Phillips, a guy who borrowed 50 cents from me to pay for a snack at recess back in the 5th Grade. I tell him that if he doesn’t make restitution within the hour, me and my friends are going to go over to his house and kick the living shit out of him.
I call up John Phillips, a guy who borrowed 50 cents from me to pay for a snack at recess back in the 5th Grade. I tell him that if he doesn’t make restitution within the hour, me and my friends are going to go over to his house and kick the living shit out of him.
Hour 9:
I am engaged in a heated argument over who the most attractive looking girl on “Baywatch” was with guy named Sanchez in the backseat of a police cruiser.
I am engaged in a heated argument over who the most attractive looking girl on “Baywatch” was with guy named Sanchez in the backseat of a police cruiser.
Hour 10:
I strip off all of my clothes and go skinny dipping in a lake. My better judgement has failed me – it is February.
I strip off all of my clothes and go skinny dipping in a lake. My better judgement has failed me – it is February.
Hour 11-ish?:
Ambulance rides are both scary and fun.
Ambulance rides are both scary and fun.
Hour 15:
I have my own vague memories of this hour; I am either sobering up or legally dead.
I have my own vague memories of this hour; I am either sobering up or legally dead.
Sunday, 24 April 2011
Smart Ass Things I Wish I Could Say To AT&T Customers
For the last six weeks, I've worked at an inbound call centre in rural Newfoundland providing customer support for AT&T's Ecom department. More specifically, when AT&T customers in the States order cell phones online, I'm the guy who fixes the orders when problems arise, activates the phones when customers can't do it themselves, and processes the exchanges when folks aren't happy with what they ordered, or it arrives defective. I must say, it's not the worst job I've ever had. Despite the fact I was kind of under trained for the position and have to fly by the seat of my pants a fair bit, the customers (all American, I might add) are usually pretty easy to deal with and I never find myself staring at the clock wishing my time away. That being said, I still have to deal with the occasional total moron or complete prick. Maintaining a consistent level of self-restraint is a virtue undoubtedly held by everyone who succeeds in a customer service job. I, for one, like to think I'm pretty good at keeping my real feelings to myself when having to deal with difficult customers. Although, sometimes some of the crap that comes out of their mouths, really makes it difficult to hold back from saying what I really would like to say. For your amusement, the following is a collection of actual interactions I've had with customers with the addition of what I would have preferred to have said to them at the time...
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Customer calls in to try and exchange phone five days after the end of her 30 day buyers remorse exchange window and nags me for several minutes to bend the rules:
What I said: I do apologize mam, but AT&T is very strict when it comes to no exchanges outside of thirty days. Is there anything else I can help you with?
What I wish I could have said: Tough shit lady! Might have wanted to start hatin' on that Blackberry two weeks ago. Hell, I hated the Blackberry Pearl before I ever even used one.
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Customer calls in to cancel an order that has already been shipped and gets upset that I can't stop it and immediately refund his money:
What I said: Unfortunately, sir the device is already being shipped through the mail. If you do not wish to keep the device when it arrives, simply afix the prepaid return label you will find on the inside of the box to the outside and mail it back to us. Upon receiving the device back in our warehouse we will refund your money.
What I wish I could have said: Normally, we at AT&T have respect for Federal laws and avoid tampering with the United States Postal Service. However, seeing how you're getting all huffy about this, I'll see to it that we hire a crack team of South American soldiers of fortune to hunt down that mail truck en route and tell them to use any means necessary to stop it. Unfortunately, I won't be able to refund your money though. You gotta know, bazooka baring Bolivians don't pay for themselves.
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Customer calls in to have the shipping address changed on her order, which has also already been processed. She becomes incensed and wishes to speak with the supervisor:
What I said: Absolutely, mam. Thank you for calling AT&T and please hold for the transfer.
What I wish I could have said: The supervisor? Oh, you must mean the girl who's sitting two cubicles away from me - the one who makes exactly 50 cents more an hour than I do to listen to people bitch all day, but has exactly the same amount of power as I do to fix what you're griping about. Yeah, she'll probably make you stay on hold for upwards of an hour before you get to speak with her and most certainly will tell you exactly what I just told you, but, hey, at least it's coming from an "AT&T Official" of some sort. So, I'll be more than happy to place you on hold.
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Customer calls in to try and exchange phone five days after the end of her 30 day buyers remorse exchange window and nags me for several minutes to bend the rules:
What I said: I do apologize mam, but AT&T is very strict when it comes to no exchanges outside of thirty days. Is there anything else I can help you with?
What I wish I could have said: Tough shit lady! Might have wanted to start hatin' on that Blackberry two weeks ago. Hell, I hated the Blackberry Pearl before I ever even used one.
-------------------------------
Customer calls in to cancel an order that has already been shipped and gets upset that I can't stop it and immediately refund his money:
What I said: Unfortunately, sir the device is already being shipped through the mail. If you do not wish to keep the device when it arrives, simply afix the prepaid return label you will find on the inside of the box to the outside and mail it back to us. Upon receiving the device back in our warehouse we will refund your money.
What I wish I could have said: Normally, we at AT&T have respect for Federal laws and avoid tampering with the United States Postal Service. However, seeing how you're getting all huffy about this, I'll see to it that we hire a crack team of South American soldiers of fortune to hunt down that mail truck en route and tell them to use any means necessary to stop it. Unfortunately, I won't be able to refund your money though. You gotta know, bazooka baring Bolivians don't pay for themselves.
--------------------------------
Customer calls in to have the shipping address changed on her order, which has also already been processed. She becomes incensed and wishes to speak with the supervisor:
What I said: Absolutely, mam. Thank you for calling AT&T and please hold for the transfer.
What I wish I could have said: The supervisor? Oh, you must mean the girl who's sitting two cubicles away from me - the one who makes exactly 50 cents more an hour than I do to listen to people bitch all day, but has exactly the same amount of power as I do to fix what you're griping about. Yeah, she'll probably make you stay on hold for upwards of an hour before you get to speak with her and most certainly will tell you exactly what I just told you, but, hey, at least it's coming from an "AT&T Official" of some sort. So, I'll be more than happy to place you on hold.
Saturday, 23 April 2011
A Letter To Myself at 18
Dear Me At 18,
Hey there young buck, how's it going? I hear you're settling in nicely at university. You're majoring in theatre now, I understand. Well, how about that? Not bad, not bad. I must say, I admire you for having the cajones to pursue a future contributing to an artform that appeals mainly to stuffy, old, pretentious people and other artists who themselves mainly make theatre. Though, if I might make one suggestion - take up computer programming as a hobby. More specifically, maybe start getting interested in programming websites that let you do stuff that nobody has ever done before. Like... say.... giving people the ability to post pictures of themselves, and write little comments beneath those pictures, which will then prompt people that they know or "internet know" to post comments themselves about those pictures. I'm sure all of this sounds silly, but trust me on this, DO IT and do it by at least 2004. Also, start betting all your money on crazy ideas and notions that you know could never possibly happen. Like say, a black man becoming President of the United States, people with normal jobs like motorcycle mechanics, and pawnbrokers getting their own tv shows, and everyone's happy memories of Star Wars and Indiana Jones being ruined by the man who created them. I guarantee betting against the Vegas odds here will payout handsomely. Another thing I would recommend you do is cut down on your caloric intake by not eating so many deep fried foods and sweets. Your waistline and your sex-life will be grateful.
Anyway, keep on truckin'!
Sincerely,
Future You
Hey there young buck, how's it going? I hear you're settling in nicely at university. You're majoring in theatre now, I understand. Well, how about that? Not bad, not bad. I must say, I admire you for having the cajones to pursue a future contributing to an artform that appeals mainly to stuffy, old, pretentious people and other artists who themselves mainly make theatre. Though, if I might make one suggestion - take up computer programming as a hobby. More specifically, maybe start getting interested in programming websites that let you do stuff that nobody has ever done before. Like... say.... giving people the ability to post pictures of themselves, and write little comments beneath those pictures, which will then prompt people that they know or "internet know" to post comments themselves about those pictures. I'm sure all of this sounds silly, but trust me on this, DO IT and do it by at least 2004. Also, start betting all your money on crazy ideas and notions that you know could never possibly happen. Like say, a black man becoming President of the United States, people with normal jobs like motorcycle mechanics, and pawnbrokers getting their own tv shows, and everyone's happy memories of Star Wars and Indiana Jones being ruined by the man who created them. I guarantee betting against the Vegas odds here will payout handsomely. Another thing I would recommend you do is cut down on your caloric intake by not eating so many deep fried foods and sweets. Your waistline and your sex-life will be grateful.
Anyway, keep on truckin'!
Sincerely,
Future You
Welcome To The Tea Room!
Well, it's been quite awhile since the last time I kept a blog. Apart from the occasional Facebook note I'd craft whenever the mood would strike me (seldom), I haven't maintained a regular web log since that brief window in the mid-aughts when Myspace was relevant. I'd considered for a little while starting one under the guise of a fictional character - It would have been a series of thoughtful reflections from a middle aged rapper named MC BitchesKomeRunnin'. They likely would have been tales of lurid debauchery and excess from the point of view of an entertainer going through an existential crisis. "...As I poured that bottle of Dom over her big ole titties, I couldn't help but axe myself, 'is this all there is?' " That idea kinda ran out of steam before it ever lead to a post.
I'm sure you're all asking yourselves, "so, what's this blog gonna be about?" The answer is, I don't know. We'll see, I guess. Probably a lot of random nonsense, personal observations about stuff that doesn't matter much, and whimsy. Yes, I'm certain there'll be lots and lots of whimsy. I also can neither confirm nor deny this whole thing may wind up being just one big steaming pile of brilliant art. That's right, I said brilliant art. I may yet raise the bar that high. Doubtful, but it could happen. I mean, I studied art years ago and can safely say the instances of ordinary, creative folk accidentally crapping out masterpieces for no other reason than they were bored and needed to feed their narcissism is an astonishing figure. Okay, I really don't know that to be true. Could be. Whatever.
Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy what comes next....
I'm sure you're all asking yourselves, "so, what's this blog gonna be about?" The answer is, I don't know. We'll see, I guess. Probably a lot of random nonsense, personal observations about stuff that doesn't matter much, and whimsy. Yes, I'm certain there'll be lots and lots of whimsy. I also can neither confirm nor deny this whole thing may wind up being just one big steaming pile of brilliant art. That's right, I said brilliant art. I may yet raise the bar that high. Doubtful, but it could happen. I mean, I studied art years ago and can safely say the instances of ordinary, creative folk accidentally crapping out masterpieces for no other reason than they were bored and needed to feed their narcissism is an astonishing figure. Okay, I really don't know that to be true. Could be. Whatever.
Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy what comes next....
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