Beyond the first hour of my experience, I have little to no recollection of the events which took place. Luckily, my good friend Kip Martin kept an hourly journal of my adventures so that I might be able to share with you this account of my night of most regrettable drunken debauchery.
Hour 1:
I begin to develop an attraction for anything with breasts. Coincidentally, I’ve never found John Goodman more captivating than I do during this hour.
I begin to develop an attraction for anything with breasts. Coincidentally, I’ve never found John Goodman more captivating than I do during this hour.
Hour 2:
I punch some guy in the face for having the same last name as mine. I later apologize upon realizing he is my father.
I punch some guy in the face for having the same last name as mine. I later apologize upon realizing he is my father.
Hour 3:
I give a full explanation as to why my ex-girlfriend dumped me during a conversation I am having with a cocker spaniel in the backyard.
I give a full explanation as to why my ex-girlfriend dumped me during a conversation I am having with a cocker spaniel in the backyard.
Hour 4:
I make plans to start a snow shovelling business with the cocker spaniel I’ve been having a conversation with in the backyard.
I make plans to start a snow shovelling business with the cocker spaniel I’ve been having a conversation with in the backyard.
Hour 5:
My next door neighbour – who happens to be a Presbyterian minister – visits my house to complain about the noise. An argument ensues and the topic is religion and how it relates to professional wrestling. My points are well argued and tough to dispute.
My next door neighbour – who happens to be a Presbyterian minister – visits my house to complain about the noise. An argument ensues and the topic is religion and how it relates to professional wrestling. My points are well argued and tough to dispute.
Hour 6:
I’m singing songs and playing piano, despite not knowing how to do either. No one seems to notice this fact. Oddly enough, neither do I.
I’m singing songs and playing piano, despite not knowing how to do either. No one seems to notice this fact. Oddly enough, neither do I.
Hour 7:
I am ecstatic over the realization I can urinate upon request. I chug down half a bottle of Lamb’s Navy Rum to celebrate.
I am ecstatic over the realization I can urinate upon request. I chug down half a bottle of Lamb’s Navy Rum to celebrate.
Hour 8:
I call up John Phillips, a guy who borrowed 50 cents from me to pay for a snack at recess back in the 5th Grade. I tell him that if he doesn’t make restitution within the hour, me and my friends are going to go over to his house and kick the living shit out of him.
I call up John Phillips, a guy who borrowed 50 cents from me to pay for a snack at recess back in the 5th Grade. I tell him that if he doesn’t make restitution within the hour, me and my friends are going to go over to his house and kick the living shit out of him.
Hour 9:
I am engaged in a heated argument over who the most attractive looking girl on “Baywatch” was with guy named Sanchez in the backseat of a police cruiser.
I am engaged in a heated argument over who the most attractive looking girl on “Baywatch” was with guy named Sanchez in the backseat of a police cruiser.
Hour 10:
I strip off all of my clothes and go skinny dipping in a lake. My better judgement has failed me – it is February.
I strip off all of my clothes and go skinny dipping in a lake. My better judgement has failed me – it is February.
Hour 11-ish?:
Ambulance rides are both scary and fun.
Ambulance rides are both scary and fun.
Hour 15:
I have my own vague memories of this hour; I am either sobering up or legally dead.
I have my own vague memories of this hour; I am either sobering up or legally dead.
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