For the last six weeks, I've worked at an inbound call centre in rural Newfoundland providing customer support for AT&T's Ecom department. More specifically, when AT&T customers in the States order cell phones online, I'm the guy who fixes the orders when problems arise, activates the phones when customers can't do it themselves, and processes the exchanges when folks aren't happy with what they ordered, or it arrives defective. I must say, it's not the worst job I've ever had. Despite the fact I was kind of under trained for the position and have to fly by the seat of my pants a fair bit, the customers (all American, I might add) are usually pretty easy to deal with and I never find myself staring at the clock wishing my time away. That being said, I still have to deal with the occasional total moron or complete prick. Maintaining a consistent level of self-restraint is a virtue undoubtedly held by everyone who succeeds in a customer service job. I, for one, like to think I'm pretty good at keeping my real feelings to myself when having to deal with difficult customers. Although, sometimes some of the crap that comes out of their mouths, really makes it difficult to hold back from saying what I really would like to say. For your amusement, the following is a collection of actual interactions I've had with customers with the addition of what I would have preferred to have said to them at the time...
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Customer calls in to try and exchange phone five days after the end of her 30 day buyers remorse exchange window and nags me for several minutes to bend the rules:
What I said: I do apologize mam, but AT&T is very strict when it comes to no exchanges outside of thirty days. Is there anything else I can help you with?
What I wish I could have said: Tough shit lady! Might have wanted to start hatin' on that Blackberry two weeks ago. Hell, I hated the Blackberry Pearl before I ever even used one.
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Customer calls in to cancel an order that has already been shipped and gets upset that I can't stop it and immediately refund his money:
What I said: Unfortunately, sir the device is already being shipped through the mail. If you do not wish to keep the device when it arrives, simply afix the prepaid return label you will find on the inside of the box to the outside and mail it back to us. Upon receiving the device back in our warehouse we will refund your money.
What I wish I could have said: Normally, we at AT&T have respect for Federal laws and avoid tampering with the United States Postal Service. However, seeing how you're getting all huffy about this, I'll see to it that we hire a crack team of South American soldiers of fortune to hunt down that mail truck en route and tell them to use any means necessary to stop it. Unfortunately, I won't be able to refund your money though. You gotta know, bazooka baring Bolivians don't pay for themselves.
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Customer calls in to have the shipping address changed on her order, which has also already been processed. She becomes incensed and wishes to speak with the supervisor:
What I said: Absolutely, mam. Thank you for calling AT&T and please hold for the transfer.
What I wish I could have said: The supervisor? Oh, you must mean the girl who's sitting two cubicles away from me - the one who makes exactly 50 cents more an hour than I do to listen to people bitch all day, but has exactly the same amount of power as I do to fix what you're griping about. Yeah, she'll probably make you stay on hold for upwards of an hour before you get to speak with her and most certainly will tell you exactly what I just told you, but, hey, at least it's coming from an "AT&T Official" of some sort. So, I'll be more than happy to place you on hold.
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